i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize