nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
