Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
