I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
