i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
