my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize