if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We need to get me chipped asap
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
