That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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