if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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