and you said cock pushups were impossible
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
