There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
