Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
