Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize