I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
