How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
