I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
