I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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