At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
