Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
