Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
