Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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