I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
