Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
