yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
