She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
