I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
