Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He better not be in your backpack
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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