That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
