We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
