Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
