I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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