i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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