8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
