if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
