How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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