So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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