Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
