We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
