I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
