Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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