So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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