I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
