Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
How's work?
Spinning.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
