wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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