Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
