bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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