Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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