upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
