I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
