he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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