I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
