9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
