omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
