I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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