my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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