My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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