I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
