we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
