normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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