i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
