Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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