my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
