some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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