my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
