Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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