i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
