come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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