is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
