why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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