At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
