if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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